Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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