So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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