I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
