Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
