Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize