Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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