I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
