I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
