i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
