Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
