EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
