I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
