1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i love accidental penises.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize