just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
