it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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