his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
