I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
