i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
