even my farts smell like vagina
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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