Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
