I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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