Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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