there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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