Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
