I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
