So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
