my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
