a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
