Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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