Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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