if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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