ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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