I hate all girls vehemently.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
