there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
