i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
