remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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