haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
