I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
