FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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