Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
