Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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