HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
