It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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