You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
