if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
