i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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