I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
