Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
