Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
