then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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