Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
