remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
