I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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