I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Found your dick twin last night
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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