He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize