I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You can't special order awesome
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
