i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
